haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
