if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize