hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
