That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The best revenge is premature balding
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize