when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
