you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
