The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
