We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
