I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
