I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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