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saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
