we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
