i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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