does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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