Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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