I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
