What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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