i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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