the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
did i walk over a car last night?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
