how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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