What a fucking waste of an outfit
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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