I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
