My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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