watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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