I could have mohawked her pubes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
