The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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