Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
