I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
