The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
40s are totally the cure
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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