I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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