My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
