Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
