No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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