When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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