why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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