its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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