you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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