Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
