He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
