Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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