I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
