Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize