dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Never joke about your clitoris.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
