Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
