i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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