I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
