Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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