In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
