This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
