i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
