I'm so fucking centered right now
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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