I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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