By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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