I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
