hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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