when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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