So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
